For us older dudes, it’s hard to believe that another year has disappeared into the ether. Gone to the same place as the dodo bird and the phone booth. Just another piece of history. Not that anyone is likely to miss 2015. In the overall scheme of things it wasn’t that memorable. Crazy, perhaps. And bizarre. But we didn’t exactly bring peace and happiness and sanity to the world, did we. More like the opposite. Again.
So I have some questions. About 2016, that is. Chances are that no one else gives a damn about my questions, but I’m going to throw them out there anyway. Just because they’re bugging the hell out of me (and I have little else to do).
#10. Will Fox News continue to shorten the dresses of their female news people so that us old farts can more easily see their undies?
(Not that I watch Fox News all that much. But it can be amusing. Especially around noon when I’m getting really bored. That’s when I can watch the 4 airheads on “Outnumbered” who seem to be trying to see which one of them can wear the shortest dress and put on the most makeup. If it was me, I’d call the show “4 Hookers on a Couch”.)
#9. Will the northeastern United States ever get any real snow this winter?
(Not that I’m complaining. We had enough last year to cover the next decade. For us, El Nino’s been a good thing. But it seems kind of weird. You actually feel a little guilty about it, like you’re cheating Mother Nature or something.)
#8. Will Death Valley actually have a “once-in-a-millennium” wild flower eruption this spring?
(This one is important to me. If I’m going to drive 6,000 miles or so – again – I’d like to think that the flower prediction will come true. A silly wish, I know, but hey, I’m not getting any younger……)
#7. Will gas prices continue to drop, or at least stay where they are?
(Yeah, I know. Another selfish question. But 6,000 miles at $2.00 a gallon is a whole lot better than 6,000 miles at $3.00 a gallon.)
#6. Will the Cleveland Browns ever become a real football team again?
(Admitting you’re a Cleveland Browns fan is tantamount to admitting that you’re a loser. Because that’s all they do.)
#5. Will Donald Trump win the Republican nomination for President? Can he actually become President?
(Well, we’ve all been wrong about him up to this point, so why not? He’s riding some kind of populist wave that the political experts apparently don’t understand. If he does go all the way I’ll make this prediction: the Trump-led U. S. government will merge with Barnum and Bailey and truly become the greatest show on earth.)
#4. Will Hillary become the first woman President?
(I’ll vote for her if she wins the Democratic nomination and Trump or Cruz is her opponent, but I’d honestly rather have another choice. Like Jeb, I think her time has passed.)
#3. Are all those people who are texting while driving really trying to kill me?
(Really, are they? Somebody has to invent a smartphone that sends a lethal jolt of electricity through the user if they try to operate the phone while driving. You gotta admit, it would be fun to watch. By the way, if you believe in multitasking, you’re an idiot.)
#2. As a species, are we getting dumber or smarter?
(See question #3.)
#1. Who’s Rey?
(This is the real question. The first 9 don’t really count. If someone could answer this one – correctly – I’d probably pay real money for the answer. If you don’t understand the question, then you’ve been living under a rock somewhere……)